Wishing you a Merry Clintmas
by Nardhwentheelf
Summary: Christmas with the Avengers is a dangerous business, especially for one Clint Barton. Full summary inside, along with a description on how this story came about.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Christmas with the Avengers is a dangerous business, especially for one Clint Barton. Poor Clint will have to suffer through many pranks and hardships before this Christmas is over.**

Something was brewing. Snow, to be precise. The sky was dark and gloomy in the late hours of the day, and Clint just _knew_ it was going to snow later. Looking up and around, he observed the decorations adorning the houses around him. How beautiful they were. What festive spirit. What-

Clint did not like Christmas.

From his perch on top of a rather large tree (he would not admit that it was a Christmas tree) he could see the rest of the Avengers howling with laughter at his expression.

"You make a rather good star." Stark remarked from where he was standing at the bottom of the tree.

"Piss off." Came the reply. This only made them laugh harder. Thor's booming laugh was easily identifiable.

"Archer Clint, why does this upset you so? We are only in a playing mood. After all, it is the holiday you Midgardians call 'Christmas'." Thor received a scowl.

"I don't celebrate Christmas." Clint ground out through gritted teeth.

"Then why have you allowed us to dress you up like a fairy?" It was true. The costume even had wings and a wand. Clint had been knocked out by one of Tony's custom made tranquilisers and been put in the outfit against his will. And that wasn't even the worst part. He was stitched into it. Not through skin, of course. If they did that, they would have some serious explaining to do to SHIELD. No. They had sown the parts of the costume together so that Clint could not get out of the outfit unless he cut it. And then they had hidden all possible sharp objects that could've been used for this purpose. So that was why Clint was on top of the tree. To hide from his so-called 'friends'. Who were also dressed in ridiculous outfits.

At that moment, just to make everything better, Natasha walked into the room, dressed in her SHIELD uniform. Looking up at him, she said:

"Probably not the best place to hide considering your current attire, Agent Barton." This was met by a glower and cries of laughter. Clint held his head up high and tried to ignore what Natasha had just implied. Far below him, Bruce tried to placate him.

"Clint, come down. It will be pleasanter for everyone. Just saying." The laughter started up again as Clint began to slowly descend from his perch. As he reached the bottom, he was met by Tony, who looked him up and down and snickered loudly. Clint narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to prepare a sarcastic remark. But before he could, he was interrupted by loud laughter from the general direction of the rest of the Avengers. Glancing over, he saw identical smiles on the faces of Bruce, Natasha and Steve.

"What?" He asked, worried. There came no reply for a few moments. Beside him, Tony shrugged. Apparently, he had no idea what was going on either.

"Umm, guys... look up." Natasha said finally, not attempting to hide her grin. Apprehensively, Tony and Clint both looked up.

"Oh crap." Clint said. "Why me?" He complained. Thor frowned.

"I do not understand. What is so important about those white berries?" Leaning over, Bruce whispered for a few moments in Thor's ear, during which Thor's grin appeared and grew bigger. Clint inched away from Tony, realisation quickly replaced by horror.

"No no no no no no." He said. "No. No. No. No no no no. Nope. Not happening. Nada. Nein. Non. HeΤ. Nᾶo. Nie. Nu. No!" Tony wiggled his eyebrows at Clint, who immediately turn and tried to sprint out of the room. But unfortunately for him, Thor stopped him simply by placing a very large hand on his shoulder.

"I am sorry, Archer Clint. But you must follow through with this."

"Why, exactly?" Thor just grinned, pushing him back over to where Tony was still standing with that _ridiculous _jumper. "I am not doing this. I repeat, I am no- aah!" Thor had pushed Clint right up to Tony, who pursed his lips at him and leant forward. Clint jerked back. "Not happening. Tony, please! I'm not gay!"

"Are you sure?" Tony asked, raising his eyebrows at him.

"Yes! I am completely, 100% sure that I do not want to do this! Go away!" Clint shoved the approaching Tony away from him, as hard as he could. Tony, expecting this, just rocked back and stayed on his feet, to Clint's disappointment. The remaining Avengers congregated around the pair, forcing them ever closer. Clint, shaking his head, stayed as far away from Tony as he could. Tony, on the other hand, was quite enjoying seeing Clint so uncomfortable, and made kissing noises at Clint, whose face was getting quite red by now.

Finally, Clint, hating all the attention focused on him and knowing there was no possible way out of this situation except to do what everyone wanted, darted forward and pecked Tony on the cheek. Tony grinned at him as Bruce said:

"Not good enough. On the lips, Barton." Clint's face went as red as a beetroot as his eyes widened in dread.

"Oh no. No way. Not happening in a million years. Let me out!" He yelled, trying to break through the ring of people around Tony and himself, to no avail.

"Sorry, Barton, but you're the one who stood underneath the mistletoe!"

"Not on purpose!" Clint shouted at Natasha. She smirked at him as Tony began his advance. Stalking his prey, he waited for the right moment to pounce. And when he did, it was very unexpected. Clint pushed ineffectively at Tony's chest as the wolf whistles and cat calls around them escalated. But eventually, Tony released Clint, winking at the assassin as he did so.

"Call me." Tony said. Clint snarled wordlessly at the billionaire and finally managed to run away. The group of friends burst into laughter at the sight of Clint, dressed in a girly fairy outfit, attempting to stalk out of the room.

As he left, Steve turned to Tony.

"I still don't get your jumper." Tony's jumper said:

_You can pull my cracker_ (with an arrow pointing down, of course).

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything to do with Marvel! Don't sue me!

**Ok, this was a dare from my friend BlackestSlytherin. She dared me to write a Christmas Avengers one-shot/two-shot/three-shot, depending on how much I wrote. It had to be really sarcastic, since it's all about Clint, have no OC, no script, and had to be about Christmas. There were other criteria, but I'll tell you all about them at the end. In the meantime, try and guess what they were.**

**What did you think? Did I do ok? Please leave a review, no flames, and tell me what you thought of this.**

**There will be another chapter, as I haven't included all of what I was told so, so look out for that.**

**Oh, if anyone is interested about what languages Clint was saying no in, there are as follows (from Nein): **German, French, Russian, Portuguese, Polish, Romanian

**See you next time!**

**-Nardhwentheelf**


	2. Chapter 2

Once the Avengers had explained to Steve what Tony's jumper meant (with the added bonus of Steve being scarred for life, of course), they went to find Clint the fairy.

They couldn't find him.

They looked in all his favourite hiding places; the roof, the air vents (long story), on top of the Christmas tree again, and all around Tony's skyscraper. The archer/fairy was nowhere to be found. Tony turned to Thor.

"Well, big guy, maybe you should fly up in your sleigh and see if you can see our beloved fairy from the sky. I can't be bothered to get into my suit so..." Thor frowned, even though it was obvious to the rest why Tony would ask him to get into his sleigh. For Thor, bless him, was in a Santa outfit, with all the accessories he could find decorating his bulk. The Avengers had explained the whole Father Christmas thing to Thor, but it took him a moment before he burst out with his signature booming laugh.

"Ho, ho, ho!" He didn't do it on purpose, of course, but he did, causing the Avengers to practically collapse on the floor with laughter. Thor looked around in bemusement at his friends. "What is so funny?" He asked. He received no reply, for his 'friends' were still chuckling at his laugh. But eventually, they calmed down enough to tell him why they were laughing. There was silence for a moment after they did so. "Ha ha ha!" Thor laughed again, but this time the Avengers managed to keep control of themselves as the laugh sounded a little less like Santa's.

When they'd calmed down slightly, they heard a quiet voice from above them.

"Guys... guys! Hello? You better find me soon because I'm not asking for help... HELP!" Looking around, they couldn't see anyone.

"Clint? Where are you?" Steve asked worriedly.

"Help! I'm... definitely _not_ stuck up the chimney." Came the reply.

"You're up the chimney. How the hell did you even get up there?" Tony whistled.

"Captain! Did you just say 'hell'? What happened to the innocent little guy who came into our lives such a short time ago?" Tony received a scathing glare for his remark.

"He met you, Tony Stark."

"Guys! Quit it! I'm up the chimney! Help me!" Clint yelled down from where he was indeed lodged up the chimney. "Tony, you know it's blocked off, right?"

"Of course I know it's blocked off! I did it myself. Can't have people trying to get into my penthouse via the chimney route. Honestly, Clint, did you not think of that before you tried to escape up my chimney?" There was no reply. "Clint? You still there?"

"I'm still here."

"Not anywhere he could go, to be fair." Bruce added, walking over to the chimney and looking up thoughtfully at it. He could just about make out some of Clint's costume peeking out the bottom of said chimney. "I think we can get you out, Clint, but... maybe not. We might have to call the fire brigade."

"What?" Came Clint's anguished reply. "No! I will _not_ have the fire brigade coming along to drag me out of the chimney like a-a-a... child!"

(((((*((((*(((*((*(*)*))*)))*))))*)))))

"How did he get stuck up the chimney again?"

"We're not sure... but we think he climbed up it to escape us, only to find that it was blocked.

"Hmm... well, we can get him out, but... it may not be the prettiest of sights."

"Don't worry, we'll stay. Don't want to leave poor Barton to the mercies of the fire brigade, after all." The fireman nodded and left to join his colleagues, who were trying to pull Clint out of the chimney.

"Do you think we should warn them what he's wearing?" Steve asked Tony quietly. Tony ponded this question for a moment.

"Nah. They'll see soon enough." There came a clatter from the opposite end of the rather large living room. Steve, Tony, Natasha and Bruce turned to see Thor, looking rather bashful, with one of his relatively large feet stuck into a Christmas stocking. The four simultaneously shook their heads in despair. "I'm not even going to ask _how_ you managed that incredible feat." Tony said, walking over to examine Thor's Christmas-stocking-covered foot.

"It looked like a sock!" Thor protested his innocence. Said demigod was now given several 'are you actually kidding me' looks.

After examining the foot for a while longer whilst the firemen grunted and strained to try and get the archer out of the chimney, Bruce gave his diagnosis.

"There's nothing for it. We're going to have to cut his foot out." Thor's face paled ever so slightly. "Tony, go and get some scissors. Some big ones." Tony's eyes lit up, and he practically ran out of the room to do Bruce's bidding. Thor swallowed.

"Big scissors?" He asked nervously.

"Don't worry, I don't think Tony's had that many drinks. His hands _should_ be steady." Bruce reassured him.

"Then again, knowing Tony, he's probably had quite a few drinks." Natasha interjected. Thor's face was now considerably paler than it had been previously. "I mean, that man likes his liquor."

There was a sucking sound from the other side of the room, and Avengers that were present turned to see Clint sliding out of the chimney. He lay on the floor, panting and looking _very _embarrassed. The lead fireman wandered back over to Tony.

"Well, he's out. Here's the fire department's number in case he gets stuck again." The man turned to glance at Clint. "And can I just ask, what is he wearing?" Looking back, the man was met by identical grins of mischief.

"Oh, just a little something for Christmas." The man eyed the people in front of him. One was in a Santa Claus outfit, and he currently had his foot stuck in a stocking. Another, a blonde, had reindeer antlers and a red nose, painted on. The last, a slightly nerdy looking man with glasses, had just a Christmas jumper on. The man decided that he wanted nothing more to do with these men.

"Ok then. If there's nothing else, then we best be off. People to save, and the like." The man turned to go. Just as he was about to exit the room, he turned to see that the man in the fairy outfit had rejoined his friends, and another man (who was wearing a 'you can pull my Christmas cracker' jumper and wielding a rather large pair of scissors) had come back into the room. Said man had a slightly maniacal smile on his face.

"Now hold still, Santa, or this will hurt. A lot." The man turned back around. He had seen quite enough for one Christmas.

THE END

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Marvel or any of its characters, so don't sue me!

**So what did you guys think? I was quite tempted to put 'he had seen quite enough for one Clintmas' at the end, but that didn't seem quite right somehow. The rest of the criteria, if you're interested, was to include someone getting stuck up the chimney, and having someone's foot stuck in a stocking.**

**I also dared my friend (BlackestSlytherin) to write a dare story, so if you check out her profile, then that should be up in a few days (it better be, it has to be up before Christmas). **

**Thank you guys for reading! Hope you enjoyed it ;)**

**-Nardhwentheelf**


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